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This week marks my third anniversary with Kotaku, spending all of that as the site’s weekend editor. On my third weekend here, my brother Fletch and I unloaded this post – “Two Brothers Meditating Upon Questions of Pac-Man,” originally published April 19, 2008. A hypothetical calculation of Pac-Man’s, er, metabolic functions, it became one of Kotaku’s all-time humor classics. It’s re-presented here, updated for the site’s current design, with a gallery now featuring two alternate, unpublished images.(new Image()).src = 'https://capi.connatix.com/tr/si?token=995c4c7d-194f-4077-b0a0-7ad466eb737c&cid=872d12ce-453b-4870-845f-955919887e1b'; cnx.cmd.push(function() { cnx({ playerId: "995c4c7d-194f-4077-b0a0-7ad466eb737c" }).render("79703296e5134c75a2db6e1b64762017"); }); • • • My brother, Fletch, and I were 8 and 6 years old, respectively, when Pac-Man debuted. As this IM conversation demonstrates, to this day we approach the game with the same wide-eyed curiosity and emotional maturity as we did rummy best in 1980. Tuesday, April 15 10:01:53 AM Owen: hey, pac-man question: how big were the dots and the energizers, in pixels 10:02:08 AM Fletch: You

mean on the original video game screen? 10:02:16 AM Owen: yeah, 2×2 for dots, and roughly 8×8 for the energizers? 10:02:20 AM Fletch: i guess. I don’t have bionic graphic measurement powers 10:02:37 AM Owen: I’m trying to figure how big a shit Pac-Man would take after one board. (you’ve been warned…) 10:03:15 AM Fletch: Isn’t this begging the rather obvious question of the location of pac-man’s anus? 10:03:30 AM Owen: … 10:04:21 AM Fletch: I’m betting Pac anatomy would confound human xenobiologists 10:04:24 AM Owen: o_O http://kotaku.com/gaming/bones/pac+mans-skull-261999.php 10:05:06 AM Owen: OK now, normal digestion, how much gets metabolized, how much is dookie, rough percentages. 10:05:25 AM Fletch: dunno, never saw pac-crap 10:06:14 AM Owen: neither have i, stupe. 10:06:18 AM Fletch: do we rummy golds assume Pac’s GI tract is reg’lar? Getting enuf dietery fiber? 10:06:22 AM Owen: this is for mature, healthy, nonsmoking male pac-adult 10:06:30 AM Fletch: that’s the only way the word ‘mature’ ever gets into this conversation 10:07:00 AM Fletch: BRB 10:10:41 AM Fletch: OK, there are 266 dots on a screen 10:10:50 AM Fletch: roughly 2×2, so 4 pixels per dot 10:10:53 AM Owen: you google that? rummy golds

10:11:00 AM Fletch: no- found a screeencap of the whole board at wikipedia, so I counted em 10:11:05 AM Owen: got damn you hardco 10:11:56 AM Fletch: nowait, I miscounted- thought the board was quadrilaterally symmetrical, but its only bilateral 10:12:05 AM Owen: O_o 10:12:30 AM Fletch: Ok dot count is 240- x 4 pixels is 960 10:12:38 AM Owen: alright, now the ghosts 10:12:47 AM Fletch: ghosts don’t count towards crap, they ghosts. 10:13:04 AM Owen: no, he consumes their ghost costume but not their eyeballs. it’s roughage. 10:13:17 AM Fletch: THEY GHOSTS 10:13:30 AM Owen: “ghost-monsters” according to teh cartoon 10:13:38 AM Fletch: Cartoon ain’t canon 10:13:46 AM Owen: o_O 10:13:56 AM Owen: fine fuck the ghosts. 10:14:09 AM Fletch: damn straight. Now: energizers are 9×9- minus 12 for the corners, so that’s 69. 10:14:21 AM Fletch: x 4 equals 276 10:14:29 AM Owen: wat about cherries 10:15:07 AM Owen: you get two of those per board 10:15:08 AM Fletch: they ain’t on my screengrab 10:15:16 AM Owen: well dammit find another 10:16:50 AM Fletch: OK 98 pixels for cherries x 2 is 196 10:17:05 AM Owen: OK so that’s 960 pixels for the dots, 276 for the energizers, 196 for the two fruit. i get 1432 pixels total consumed. now, let’s say it’s one of those high speed versions like we played at the pizza hut. so rummy mars he’s burning a ton of calories, and all of this stuff is super nutritious. and plus he reserves some that he’ll convert to mass for when he goes supersize to chase blinky at the first intermission. so all but 25 pct is left in his intestines. that leaves: 10:17:25 AM Fletch: 358 pixel pac turd. let’s say 360. what’s the square root of 360 10:17:34 AM Owen: uh … 10:22:50 AM Owen Good went away 10:22:55 AM Fletch: ohfercrissake 10:22:56 AM Owen Good (auto response) I am away from my computer right now. 10:22:59 AM Owen Good came back 10:23:01 AM Owen: uhhhh … 11? 10:23:22 AM Fletch: 18.97, Mister Maf. 10:23:28 AM Owen: close enough 10:23:35 AM Fletch: so let’s call it a square 19 pixels on each side 10:23:37 AM Fletch: now how big is pac. I’m betting he ain’t that big 10:23:52 AM Owen: 16×16 at the max. 10:23:59 AM Fletch: 14×14. plus his butthole has to be only two or three pixels wide 10:24:09 AM Owen: owwwwwwwwwww 10:24:30 AM Fletch: so it ain’t gonna come rummy mars

out square, it’s going to be a big long squirt-dookie 10:24:35 AM Owen: ( O ) ___ ( o) Wednesday, April 16 From: Fletch [redacted] Date: Wed, Apr 16, 2008 at 1:32 PM Subject: Re: conversation To: Owen Good [redacted] attachments: To scale, pixel for pixel. Nearly 2x Pac-Man’s mass. Note the reddened, chafed Pac-butt. This must be why the ghosts have to walk slowly through the tunnel. Later that day 13:40:28 PM Owen: lol blinky’s all !!! omfg 13:40:33 PM Fletch: thanx 13:40:45 PM Owen: so i was trying to figure 13:40:49 PM Owen: what would the men’s room look like after one round of Tapper 13:40:52 PM Fletch: I have to go now. Images courtesy of Fletch Brendan Good

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The Pac-Man Dookie Epic, Now Digitally Remastered

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